


Empty

by Grace317



Category: Star Trek Voyager
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Emptyness, Episode Night, F/M, Feelings, Gen, Sadness, Swearing, Unrequited Love, drinking and despair, lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 03:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18886510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grace317/pseuds/Grace317
Summary: After Night, Kathryn Janeway reflects on her past and what’s to come.Thank you to CaladeniaBlue and Coffee in that Nebula for the kind beta.Feedback and kudos are very much welcomed.





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the Merry Month of Cohen Challenge. Based loosely on the song, “Everybody Knows.”
> 
> Night was the first episode I ever watched before going back to the start. I have been wanting to write something for this episode for a long time and this challenge provided me the opportunity.

Empty 

Kathryn Janeway was royally pissed. Yes, she was blootered, plastered pie-eyed, absolutely fucking wasted, all in all, she was blind drunk.

Not very Starfleet of her. 

After escaping the void, the Doctor along with her two fine executive officers had told her, no, had demanded she take the night off. The likes of them ordering her to do anything really riled her up. So she had fought them. She was the damn captain anyway!

Fought and lost. So here she was, hanging out all by herself, throwing back bourbon like a drunken sailor. If she was honest with herself she was more angry with her crew for stepping in and stopping her from closing the vortex singlehandedly. They wanted to fight the fight as one crew and stop the Malon from turning the Delta Quadrant into their own private dumpster with their poisonous waste. 

She downed another glass relishing its harsh taste as she reflected on Voyager’s most recent conflict.

Well, they had fought the battle and won, and they had escaped the void too. So why did she feel like she had lost? They were free to resume their travels, she should be happy. 

Perhaps it was because tomorrow would be another day in the Delta Quadrant, another day of giving herself piece by piece to everyone. 

She had lied to her crew. She had told them she would get them home, but she wasn’t sure she ever would. Not without paying a hefty price.The Malon were just another example of what this terrible quadrant had to offer. 

The Kazon, the Hirogen, the Borg. Sure she has bested most of them and her ship rode on. How many of her crew had she lost along the way though? She could see the faces of some of the fallen in her mind

Hogan, Bendera, Kaplan. Even Kes. 

Her guilt was slowly eating away at her. Most days she felt as empty as the void itself. Were her crew the same? Did they feel as lost and alone too? Could they see through her captain’s mask? 

Chakotay had tried to tell her she wasn’t alone, but he wasn’t making the tough calls. He wasn’t writing the letters to their dead crewmen’s loved ones. He brought her gifts and comforting lies. The man had made her believe in herself once, but now she knew the truth. 

He loved her. He really loved her. Therefore his words were not as a first officer to his captain, but as a love lorn fool because Kathryn Janeway couldn’t love Chakotay. She had nothing to give him in exchange for his unconditional love. 

Did he really expect a happy ever after? She knew that he had his dalliances. A night of shore leave, or two. But they were just one-night stands which didn't mean anything. She was the one he loved after all.

She went to her stash, got another bottle out and opened it with the ease of long familiarity. The first glass eased down her throat.

Did she love him? Once she had thought so..It was hard to remember, but she did recall a rose, a beautiful long stem peace rose. 

What a fucking joke! Someone out there was having a good laugh at her expense. Probably Q. Chakotay said she gave him peace. Well how fucking fantastic for him. She often thought she must have given him her last shreds of it because she hadn’t felt a moment of peace herself since she had set Voyager on its long, arduous journey. 

She had saved a drone and given her her humanity back. She had told Tom and B’Elanna she had faith in them when no one else had. She gave herself over, time and time again. People thought she was a brave and bold leader. Fearless and headstrong.

She hardly felt the burn of the third glass hit the back of her throat.

But bit by bit, her duty was killing her, her vow to her people, her undoing.  
So, And that's why she was drinking tonight, alone and forced off her bridge.

 

To forget.  
Never. It was impossible.

To escape, end it all.  
She couldn’t. Not yet. Not until she kept her promise.

She drank because she knew what was coming. She knew Chakotay would one day stop loving her. It was inevitable. 

Her endgame was in sight, and no great sacrifice would be needed on her part to keep her promise to the crew: get them home or die trying. 

Kathryn Janeway had nothing to lose after all.


End file.
